Every day one of my friends is engaged, married, talking about getting married, talking about getting engaged, or complaining because their boyfriend of four years has yet to “pop the question.” I know finding a mate, and then subsequently marrying that person is high on the list of priorities for many, but I live with the mindset, “it’ll happen when it happens”. I understand that marriage and family is an important part of discussion in our mid-to-upper twenties, but what happened to soul-searching? What happened to self-discovery? Or “Finding” ourselves? I think of my friends signing marriage licenses, walking down the aisle, saying “YES!” to a man bent down on one knee, and it all seems exciting, life-changing, and romantic, but I am not there yet. I am not ready to say those words, to sign those papers, or to walk down the aisle.
I am at this point in my life where I am working towards career paths, making travel plans, attending music events, writing books and poetry, and self-reflecting. I often wonder how marriage and family will fit into those goals and dreams I have, and I am sure they do, but just not today. Balancing family and work, while balancing multiple careers is something I can fathom for my future, but not quite envision (just yet). I see many mothers, including my own, that went to school, while taking care of the home, of her family (husband, and daughter), all the while chiseling a life for herself - so I am not sure where my own feelings stem from, and it is difficult to find others on the same wavelength.
Part of me is worried that once I get married I am no longer the independent, free woman I want to be. I cannot leave on a whim, working toward goals will include many discussions about how much time it will take away from the family, and how much money it will cost, and I am not longer an “I” or a “Me”. I will become a “We.” I am skeptical of this new life that would emerge if I should ever say “Yes!, or sign those papers, or walk down that aisle. In my heart I know I will be the same woman, pursuing the same dreams, but in my mind, I am not thinking for myself anymore, I am thinking for “us”, and I am skeptical of that leap from independent to interdependent - but maybe, just maybe one day I will take that leap of faith into the unknown … Maybe…
Tags: balance, career, family, marriage, motherhood, single, women
