I am currently debating this question ad nauseum in my own cluttered mind. I am DREADING summer. Sign of a bad mother for sure! I am looking for any and all opportunities to get a “real job” that will start the minute my littlest one steps on to the school bus in September. Neon sign flashing “bad mother, bad mother”.
But am I really a bad mother just because a few external indicators might seem to answer in the affirmative? My children are bright, beautiful and affectionate. They seem well adjusted and reasonably outgoing. They have vivid imaginations and take creativity to new heights in my humble opinion. I must have done something right! Right?
So why the angst? Well, as those of you have been reading my entries may have already summized, I am the queen of angst. No situation goes unanalyzed when I’m around. And I can give equal weight to all eighteen possible sides of darn near any issue. It’s miserable! And the bigger the issue, of course the more analysis involved. So I am currently in a state of near paralysis because it feels as if the path for the rest of my life as well as the future health and happiness of my children are at stake at the moment? Am I overreacting? Probably. But what would be the fun in underreacting? No drama there!
My biggest concern at the moment is whether going back to work full time in the fall is a selfish, narcissistic act that will leave my children traumatized and with the scarlet letter L (latchkey kid) emblazoned on their chests. Or if it’s true that a happy and fulfilled mother makes for happy and fulfilled kids. I have sacrificed a decade of professional advancement in order to advance my children. Isn’t that enough? Or am I a bad mother to even ask such a question? When my children were born didn’t I agree to an unwritten contract that said I would sacrifice myself for all eternity for the good of the cause of my children?
This internal dialogue is all the more complicated by the fact that I don’t even know what I would do if I did return to the worforce. I’ve been out of the game so long that it seems they may have changed all the rules on me anyway. If I had a burning passion to do….something…..anything…..perhaps I wouldn’t struggle with this so much. I mean, it seems pretty shallow to say I would do almost anything JUST so I could get out of the house and feel like a contributing member of society again. Doesn’t it?
Seeking solace….seeking answers….the Seeker is on a rampage again!
