I am currently debating this question ad nauseum in my own cluttered mind.  I am DREADING summer.  Sign of a bad mother for sure!  I am looking for any and all opportunities to get a “real job” that will start the minute my littlest one steps on to the school bus in September.  Neon sign flashing “bad mother, bad mother”. 

But am I really a bad mother just because a few external indicators might seem to answer in the affirmative?  My children are bright, beautiful and affectionate.  They seem well adjusted and reasonably outgoing.  They have vivid imaginations and take creativity to new heights in my humble opinion.  I must have done something right!  Right?

So why the angst?  Well, as those of you have been reading my entries may have already summized, I am the queen of angst.  No situation goes unanalyzed when I’m around.  And I can give equal weight to all eighteen possible sides of darn near any issue.  It’s miserable!  And the bigger the issue, of course the more analysis involved.  So I am currently in a state of near paralysis because it feels as if the path for the rest of my life as well as the future health and happiness of my children are at stake at the moment?  Am I overreacting?  Probably.  But what would be the fun in underreacting?  No drama there!

My biggest concern at the moment is whether going back to work full time in the fall is a selfish, narcissistic act that will leave my children traumatized and with the scarlet letter L (latchkey kid) emblazoned on their chests.  Or if it’s true that a happy and fulfilled mother makes for happy and fulfilled kids.  I have sacrificed a decade of professional advancement in order to advance my children.  Isn’t that enough?  Or am I a bad mother to even ask such a question?  When my children were born didn’t I agree to an unwritten contract that said I would sacrifice myself for all eternity for the good of the cause of my children? 

This internal dialogue is all the more complicated by the fact that I don’t even know what I would do if I did return to the worforce.  I’ve been out of the game so long that it seems they may have changed all the rules on me anyway.  If I had a burning passion to do….something…..anything…..perhaps I wouldn’t struggle with this so much.  I mean, it seems pretty shallow to say I would do almost anything JUST so I could get out of the house and feel like a contributing member of society again.  Doesn’t it?

Seeking solace….seeking answers….the Seeker is on a rampage again!

The first of May (also known as Mayday) rose up from the calendar and slapped me across the face.  Not literally of course.  I’m not quite that far gone!  But it did bring to my attention several things that I had been trying to avoid, put off and procrastinate into submission.  First, only 7 months until Christmas!  Okay, I’m kidding again.  But seriously folks, that first of May date is like a glowing beacon, reminding me that the extremely tenuous life balance I’ve been operating under is about to come crashing down around me.

Once you have children, and particularly children that are school age, the month of May becomes a marathon of field trips, graduation ceremonies, teacher appreciation events (why don’t they put that event in, like, February, when nothing else is going on - I mean REALLY!), end of school parties and award ceremonies.  My calendar, and yours I’m sure, looks like an unreadable scribble scrabbly mess of places I’m supposed to be, money I’m supposed to donate (don’t I pay taxes for all this crap?) and food I’m supposed to deliver in a timely manner for every manner of celebration.  My husband and I compare our calendars daily to ensure that one or the other of us can be at every event and that neither of our children are ignored or embarassed by us showing up in our pajamas at a function we had forgotten until the last minute.  It’s absolute madness and it is as predictable as the sun coming up each morning.  Parents should remember from year to year the craziness that is May and go into training for it about the first of March.  Parenting is always an endurance sport and that is never more true than during the month of May.  God help us all!

And at the end of the merry month of May?  Not the break that we all deserve just for surviving….oh no!  SUMMER!  The word that strikes fear into the hearts of all working parents.  Among the parents that I spend time with, there is currently no other topic of conversation but “What are you going to do with your kids this summer?”  All the good camps are full.  The grandparents are as heavily scheduled as they can possibly be.  And we’ve only worked out our child care plans through the 4th of July! 

Many of you that work outside the home may be green with envy of those of us that work from home.  But please let me assure you that the grass is not greener here either when it comes to a good case of the summertime blues.  You almost have to simply acquiesce that a) you will be only half as productive (and that’s if your lucky) as during the school year and that b) your children will insist that they NEVER get to do anything, that they are bored out of their minds and that summer sucks.  This will put your parent guilt into overdrive and your stress level out the roof and cause you to pray daily for school to start - SOON!

The good news?  August and September will roll around again.  Your kids will eventually have fond memories of your trips to the beach with your laptop and you allowing them to sleep till noon just so you can get some work done.  Other than that?  I am open to your suggestions.  PLEASE let me know how you survive the summer with your sanity intact!