I think part of the reason my friends refer to me as the one who does it all is that I can’t ever seem to sit still. There is no such thing as having nothing to do in my mind. And, to be honest, it’s not just about balancing work, kids and marriage. I think I was a juggler long before any of those factors ever entered in to my life. And, while I can attest to watching  a fair amount of TV in my youth I don’t recall, as an adult, ever being very good at sitting still. There was always something to do - run an errand, shop (even when I shouldn’t, but that’s another topic), clean, make something, do something, work more hours. It strikes me now that it may be more DNA than circumstance.

And, at it’s most fundamental level, it’s really all about forward progress. If you’re not doing, how can you get anywhere?

All of this has been to my own demise since having children. The sheer volume of business increases so much once you have children that the key to survival is know when to stop and what to prioritize. And, while I have gotten much better at determining what is really important (see my post on toxic friends as an example), my eyes are still always forward. My mantra may as well be “Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?” I joke about this statement with my friends sometimes, because I think my husband’s mantra would be “Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?” He has gotten much better about doing rather than waiting, but I’m not sure I have really gotten much better - beyond prioritizing better - at stopping and not doing everything this instant. And, as a result, I sometimes fail to see the moment. And, I sometimes fall down - hard. It’s also probably why my short-term memory is so bad (if you don’t stop to look, how can you see?). More importantly, it’s hard to find any satisfaction in what you are doing if you don’t actually stop and appreciate it, or even acknowledge it.

So, I have tried to become more mindful of stopping in addition to prioritizing. It’s easy to forget it, but when I do, I keep the following passage in my work bag to remind me…

“This moment right now is all that you ever really possess in life. If you sit and sincerely contemplate this, you will realize that you are never truly guaranteed the next moment. Your mind is determined to consistently place your attention deep within the past or into the future. Both of these (living in the moments of the past or dreaming of the moments of the future) are illusions that destroy the reality of the present. Detach yourself from the faulty guidance of your mind and simply allow yourself to be in the radiance of the Now. This is where living takes place; it does not exist anywhere but in the present.” ~ Richard Singer, Jr.

And I try to Stop. Breathe. Think. Look.

1. Woman feels nagging lower back pain and assumes it’s due to small children who want to be picked up, gardening, constant puttering.

2. Woman ignores symptoms.

3. Woman goes about daily life.

4. Woman wakes up one day feeling like she has pinched a nerve. She promptly ignores it.

5. Woman goes to work one Monday for client meeting. She and client both joke about respective back pains. Likely due to planting flowers, they are sure.

6. Woman begins to look exceedingly more like question mark over the course of the day, using chair backs as props to straighten up after meetings.

7. Woman drives home in her husband’s car, which she curses to the gods for being so low to the ground that it takes her ten minutes to get out. Woman curses husband for being away helping wonderful friends prepare to bring home adopted baby, and then staying with other friends in the area, leaving her to manage small children’s bedtimes while in aforementioned question-mark pose, now complete with spasms. Woman realizes she is an asshole.

8. Woman gets children to bed (the crib was a story in itself), and still in denial, goes to bed herself.

9. Woman wakes up in the middle of the night. Gets up. Promptly hits ground like sack of potatoes and can’t get up.

10. Woman wriggles around on ground in agony. Heaves herself into bed next to daughter (who still refuses to sleep by herself and woman has no energy for it). Spasms. Screams. Inadvertantly scratches child in face. Child doesn’t even notice. Rolls over and goes to sleep again. Woman thanks god that no children are awake, that dog does not need to pee. Tries to remain as quiet as possible so as not to trigger these events. Prays she does not need to pee.

11. Woman lies in wait for nanny to arrive for work. Tick. Tick. Tick.

12. Nanny arrives. Thank god for nanny. Woman calls doctor. Doctor indicates woman must come in for office visit to be treated. Woman indicates - politely - that doctor does not understand that she CANNOT BLOODY WALK. Conversation ends.

13. Woman contemplates fact that she has never called 911 before. What will they think? Assumes immediately that they will think she is an idiot and a hypochondriac that is overreacting to trivial injury.

14. Woman finally gets smart. Smacks herself in the head. Sets of spasm. Screams.

15. Woman dials 911. Ambulance comes.

16. Woman’s oldest daughter says “Oh mommy, not a sad face. Make a happy face. A happy face.” Woman cries. Sets of spasm. Screams.

17. EMS man asks woman “I don’t mean to be offensive, but are you always so pale?” Woman acknowledges that, yes, she always looks this way. Laughs. Sets of spasm. Screams.

18. EMS workers strap woman to spinal board, and carry her out of house, giving entire neighborhood great gossip for weeks to come (”What happened?!” “We always knew there was something odd about them!”)

19. Woman arrives in ER. Woman jokes with ER nurses that she would rather have another baby WITHOUT AN EPIDURAL FOR THE LOVE OF ALMIGHTY GOD than to be in this much pain.

20. Woman is given many, many, many drugs. Woman is happier.

21. Woman realizes that what makes her an idiot is that she has not taken care of herself.

22. Woman wonders how they plan to send her home when she still can’t bloody walk, sit, pee. Nurses give her more drugs. With help of husband (now in the ER with her) she hobbles to car.

22. Woman goes home. Lies in bed for 3 days straight. (But has computer next to her so that she can work, so as not to feel out of loop, useless.)

23. Goes to orthopedist. Is told she has almost herniated disc. Cartilage is “bursting” out, hitting a nerve, causing the pain. Prescribes physicial therapy and bed.

24. Woman goes to bed again. Then therapy. Is told her hips are uneven, causing lack of body alignment, which is causing the pressure on the spine, which is causing the cartilage problem.

25. Song comes to mind “the knee bone is connect to the thigh bone, the thigh bone is connected to the…” Woman laughs. Ouch.

26. Woman is mostly mobile again. Laughs at her idiocy, while simultaneously hoping she is smart enough to never ignore the signs again. And is smart enough to take care of herself.

27. All the while, skepicism ramains at her ability to do this, because it seems like a Herculean task. Wonders why it seems so difficult to do the essential things.

28. Woman ponders being juggler.

29. Woman takes more Ibuprofin. Does her stretches. Goes to therapy. Goes back to work.

30. Woman laughs. Because we have to.

Now, it makes sense that a juggler would have back pains now and again, but last week I finally realized that having to sit while putting your underwear on at age 39 is not normal. Well, for many reasons, but mostly because I am too young to have to sit while dressing myself.

So, I saw someone at our family practice and learned a few things - not just about backs, but about juggling. I’ll spare you the medical information about backs. You can find that information anywhere, but the juggling part is interesting.

The doctor was a DO, not an MD, and if you don’t know the difference (I didn’t), a DO looks at the whole body or “total person” rather than just trying to treat an illness or symptom. They also receive extra training in the musculoskeletal system. Anyway, rather than prescribe pain medication for me or send me for an MRI, she assessed me as a whole person and - in addition to noticing that I have a very flat spine and 2 kids under the age of 5 - she suggested that I try breathing. Yes, you heard me correctly, breathing. Now, I often notice that I almost hold my breath by force when I am stressed, but didn’t ever connect it to pain in my body.

She also bet me that I would feel at least somewhat better the next day simply for having acknowledged the pain and for having talked about it. And, she was right. She warned me that it would sound quite Buddhist when she said it, but she was right. And after looking into it, it’s amazing how many studies exist showing that it is possible to manage pain - at least in part - through acknowledging that it exists.

While she also gave me some stretches to do and suggested I try physical therapy at least a few times, I have to admit that I haven’t gone. Not only because I am too busy with work, the kids, and other things (shocker), but because what she told me to do - to breathe and think - is actually working. I wonder what else breathing and thinking could impact? Hmmmmm….

This week was a test that truly did push me to the Brink.

With half of our happy home unemployed at the moment, like millions of others across the country, we have tried to be responsible about our spending. But, for some reason, this week it finally became clear that the math isn’t working. So, further cuts were arranged. Then, our daughter became sick. And, two days in to what we thought was just another vomit-fest, we realized there was more to it. ER here we came. The ER came the same day that, late for work, I managed to forget my lunch (another cost-cutting measure), my train pass, my subway card and - then I broke my glasses on the train. All minor things, but all made me realize that the sponge was close to capacity, and I was losing my ability to make good decisions.

It’s amazing to realize that you’ve reached a point where you should not make decisions. Because as a juggler, this is your role, your very being. I MUST be able to make decisions. Or else, paralysis sets in and things just don’t happen anymore. And we can’t have that. Things only progress when decisions are made. Forward momentum must be maintained. Decisions must happen. But, after the all-nighter in the ER, and home again with my daughter, I realized that it was too much. This week was too much. And then it happened. I took a nap.

It feels like I’ve actually been napping for 2 days, but it was really only a couple of hours. But, it’s slow to start the engine again, and I don’t think I am quite there in terms of having pulled back from the brink. I am highly irritable. I don’t want to play with the kids because I am exhausted from cleaning up puke. But, I am so tired of them watching TV that I’m not sure which way to turn. And, my poor husband, I have nothing for him. I am still tired, irritated, feeling low, angry, stressed about what I missed at work during the day I took off, and just not sure where to start. It will become clear again in a few days, but there are the times that I wonder if being the juggler is worth it. And this is one of those days.

As I began to think about introducing myself to you, I thought mostly about the traditional definitions of a juggler. You know, the one who deftly keeps the balls in the air. Applied to people, it’s either used in the positive or the negative. “Man, how does she get it all done?! She juggles it all - motherhood, work, marriage” or “You dropped the ball on that one” (though the latter could just as easily be a football analogy, but you get the idea). But the real definition of a juggler isn’t quite so simple. And this is where it all begins.

First, I’ll tell you that the goal is indeed to keep the balls all in the air. Let’s just admit it from the start. I think I, like millions of others, have some closely-held believe that doing so will lead to “getting it right” which will lead to happiness. The math is kind of off, I agree, as happiness doesn’t rely on doing it all. In fact, my brain knows that happiness can come from doing nothing at all, or at the very least from doing less than I do now. But, the act of doing is also an act of control, and who doesn’t want to control their own happiness?

So, in a quest for happiness, I became the juggler. And people have often marveled at my ability to “do it all.” But as I said, nothing is that simple. And the real definition of a juggler made me both laugh and take note of who I am.

Juggler

1 a: one who performs tricks or acts of magic or deftness b: one skilled in keeping several objects in motion in the air at the same time by alternately tossing and catching them

2: one who manipulates especially in order to achieve a desired end

So, yes, that’s me. I am the juggler. But lest ye think I’m the perfect one, stay tuned and of course visit me often at www.lifeworkalliance.com