1. Woman feels nagging lower back pain and assumes it’s due to small children who want to be picked up, gardening, constant puttering.

2. Woman ignores symptoms.

3. Woman goes about daily life.

4. Woman wakes up one day feeling like she has pinched a nerve. She promptly ignores it.

5. Woman goes to work one Monday for client meeting. She and client both joke about respective back pains. Likely due to planting flowers, they are sure.

6. Woman begins to look exceedingly more like question mark over the course of the day, using chair backs as props to straighten up after meetings.

7. Woman drives home in her husband’s car, which she curses to the gods for being so low to the ground that it takes her ten minutes to get out. Woman curses husband for being away helping wonderful friends prepare to bring home adopted baby, and then staying with other friends in the area, leaving her to manage small children’s bedtimes while in aforementioned question-mark pose, now complete with spasms. Woman realizes she is an asshole.

8. Woman gets children to bed (the crib was a story in itself), and still in denial, goes to bed herself.

9. Woman wakes up in the middle of the night. Gets up. Promptly hits ground like sack of potatoes and can’t get up.

10. Woman wriggles around on ground in agony. Heaves herself into bed next to daughter (who still refuses to sleep by herself and woman has no energy for it). Spasms. Screams. Inadvertantly scratches child in face. Child doesn’t even notice. Rolls over and goes to sleep again. Woman thanks god that no children are awake, that dog does not need to pee. Tries to remain as quiet as possible so as not to trigger these events. Prays she does not need to pee.

11. Woman lies in wait for nanny to arrive for work. Tick. Tick. Tick.

12. Nanny arrives. Thank god for nanny. Woman calls doctor. Doctor indicates woman must come in for office visit to be treated. Woman indicates - politely - that doctor does not understand that she CANNOT BLOODY WALK. Conversation ends.

13. Woman contemplates fact that she has never called 911 before. What will they think? Assumes immediately that they will think she is an idiot and a hypochondriac that is overreacting to trivial injury.

14. Woman finally gets smart. Smacks herself in the head. Sets of spasm. Screams.

15. Woman dials 911. Ambulance comes.

16. Woman’s oldest daughter says “Oh mommy, not a sad face. Make a happy face. A happy face.” Woman cries. Sets of spasm. Screams.

17. EMS man asks woman “I don’t mean to be offensive, but are you always so pale?” Woman acknowledges that, yes, she always looks this way. Laughs. Sets of spasm. Screams.

18. EMS workers strap woman to spinal board, and carry her out of house, giving entire neighborhood great gossip for weeks to come (”What happened?!” “We always knew there was something odd about them!”)

19. Woman arrives in ER. Woman jokes with ER nurses that she would rather have another baby WITHOUT AN EPIDURAL FOR THE LOVE OF ALMIGHTY GOD than to be in this much pain.

20. Woman is given many, many, many drugs. Woman is happier.

21. Woman realizes that what makes her an idiot is that she has not taken care of herself.

22. Woman wonders how they plan to send her home when she still can’t bloody walk, sit, pee. Nurses give her more drugs. With help of husband (now in the ER with her) she hobbles to car.

22. Woman goes home. Lies in bed for 3 days straight. (But has computer next to her so that she can work, so as not to feel out of loop, useless.)

23. Goes to orthopedist. Is told she has almost herniated disc. Cartilage is “bursting” out, hitting a nerve, causing the pain. Prescribes physicial therapy and bed.

24. Woman goes to bed again. Then therapy. Is told her hips are uneven, causing lack of body alignment, which is causing the pressure on the spine, which is causing the cartilage problem.

25. Song comes to mind “the knee bone is connect to the thigh bone, the thigh bone is connected to the…” Woman laughs. Ouch.

26. Woman is mostly mobile again. Laughs at her idiocy, while simultaneously hoping she is smart enough to never ignore the signs again. And is smart enough to take care of herself.

27. All the while, skepicism ramains at her ability to do this, because it seems like a Herculean task. Wonders why it seems so difficult to do the essential things.

28. Woman ponders being juggler.

29. Woman takes more Ibuprofin. Does her stretches. Goes to therapy. Goes back to work.

30. Woman laughs. Because we have to.

Now, it makes sense that a juggler would have back pains now and again, but last week I finally realized that having to sit while putting your underwear on at age 39 is not normal. Well, for many reasons, but mostly because I am too young to have to sit while dressing myself.

So, I saw someone at our family practice and learned a few things - not just about backs, but about juggling. I’ll spare you the medical information about backs. You can find that information anywhere, but the juggling part is interesting.

The doctor was a DO, not an MD, and if you don’t know the difference (I didn’t), a DO looks at the whole body or “total person” rather than just trying to treat an illness or symptom. They also receive extra training in the musculoskeletal system. Anyway, rather than prescribe pain medication for me or send me for an MRI, she assessed me as a whole person and - in addition to noticing that I have a very flat spine and 2 kids under the age of 5 - she suggested that I try breathing. Yes, you heard me correctly, breathing. Now, I often notice that I almost hold my breath by force when I am stressed, but didn’t ever connect it to pain in my body.

She also bet me that I would feel at least somewhat better the next day simply for having acknowledged the pain and for having talked about it. And, she was right. She warned me that it would sound quite Buddhist when she said it, but she was right. And after looking into it, it’s amazing how many studies exist showing that it is possible to manage pain - at least in part - through acknowledging that it exists.

While she also gave me some stretches to do and suggested I try physical therapy at least a few times, I have to admit that I haven’t gone. Not only because I am too busy with work, the kids, and other things (shocker), but because what she told me to do - to breathe and think - is actually working. I wonder what else breathing and thinking could impact? Hmmmmm….