Now, it makes sense that a juggler would have back pains now and again, but last week I finally realized that having to sit while putting your underwear on at age 39 is not normal. Well, for many reasons, but mostly because I am too young to have to sit while dressing myself.

So, I saw someone at our family practice and learned a few things - not just about backs, but about juggling. I’ll spare you the medical information about backs. You can find that information anywhere, but the juggling part is interesting.

The doctor was a DO, not an MD, and if you don’t know the difference (I didn’t), a DO looks at the whole body or “total person” rather than just trying to treat an illness or symptom. They also receive extra training in the musculoskeletal system. Anyway, rather than prescribe pain medication for me or send me for an MRI, she assessed me as a whole person and - in addition to noticing that I have a very flat spine and 2 kids under the age of 5 - she suggested that I try breathing. Yes, you heard me correctly, breathing. Now, I often notice that I almost hold my breath by force when I am stressed, but didn’t ever connect it to pain in my body.

She also bet me that I would feel at least somewhat better the next day simply for having acknowledged the pain and for having talked about it. And, she was right. She warned me that it would sound quite Buddhist when she said it, but she was right. And after looking into it, it’s amazing how many studies exist showing that it is possible to manage pain - at least in part - through acknowledging that it exists.

While she also gave me some stretches to do and suggested I try physical therapy at least a few times, I have to admit that I haven’t gone. Not only because I am too busy with work, the kids, and other things (shocker), but because what she told me to do - to breathe and think - is actually working. I wonder what else breathing and thinking could impact? Hmmmmm….

This week was a test that truly did push me to the Brink.

With half of our happy home unemployed at the moment, like millions of others across the country, we have tried to be responsible about our spending. But, for some reason, this week it finally became clear that the math isn’t working. So, further cuts were arranged. Then, our daughter became sick. And, two days in to what we thought was just another vomit-fest, we realized there was more to it. ER here we came. The ER came the same day that, late for work, I managed to forget my lunch (another cost-cutting measure), my train pass, my subway card and - then I broke my glasses on the train. All minor things, but all made me realize that the sponge was close to capacity, and I was losing my ability to make good decisions.

It’s amazing to realize that you’ve reached a point where you should not make decisions. Because as a juggler, this is your role, your very being. I MUST be able to make decisions. Or else, paralysis sets in and things just don’t happen anymore. And we can’t have that. Things only progress when decisions are made. Forward momentum must be maintained. Decisions must happen. But, after the all-nighter in the ER, and home again with my daughter, I realized that it was too much. This week was too much. And then it happened. I took a nap.

It feels like I’ve actually been napping for 2 days, but it was really only a couple of hours. But, it’s slow to start the engine again, and I don’t think I am quite there in terms of having pulled back from the brink. I am highly irritable. I don’t want to play with the kids because I am exhausted from cleaning up puke. But, I am so tired of them watching TV that I’m not sure which way to turn. And, my poor husband, I have nothing for him. I am still tired, irritated, feeling low, angry, stressed about what I missed at work during the day I took off, and just not sure where to start. It will become clear again in a few days, but there are the times that I wonder if being the juggler is worth it. And this is one of those days.

As I began to think about introducing myself to you, I thought mostly about the traditional definitions of a juggler. You know, the one who deftly keeps the balls in the air. Applied to people, it’s either used in the positive or the negative. “Man, how does she get it all done?! She juggles it all - motherhood, work, marriage” or “You dropped the ball on that one” (though the latter could just as easily be a football analogy, but you get the idea). But the real definition of a juggler isn’t quite so simple. And this is where it all begins.

First, I’ll tell you that the goal is indeed to keep the balls all in the air. Let’s just admit it from the start. I think I, like millions of others, have some closely-held believe that doing so will lead to “getting it right” which will lead to happiness. The math is kind of off, I agree, as happiness doesn’t rely on doing it all. In fact, my brain knows that happiness can come from doing nothing at all, or at the very least from doing less than I do now. But, the act of doing is also an act of control, and who doesn’t want to control their own happiness?

So, in a quest for happiness, I became the juggler. And people have often marveled at my ability to “do it all.” But as I said, nothing is that simple. And the real definition of a juggler made me both laugh and take note of who I am.

Juggler

1 a: one who performs tricks or acts of magic or deftness b: one skilled in keeping several objects in motion in the air at the same time by alternately tossing and catching them

2: one who manipulates especially in order to achieve a desired end

So, yes, that’s me. I am the juggler. But lest ye think I’m the perfect one, stay tuned and of course visit me often at www.lifeworkalliance.com