It is presently 4:32 a.m. and I have been lying awake since around 3:30. I finally decided to get up and make better use of my time – though honestly, sleeping would be better use of my time – after several futile attempts to stop my brain from racing with unproductive thoughts. I say unproductive because, while I would normally consider an onslaught of remembering things I have to do productive, it’s not really productive in the middle of the night. And, truth be told, I’m not sure how vital any of the things I am thinking of are.
Now, to be sure, some of the things that popped to mind need to be remembered – paying tuition for my kids, remembering what time school starts tomorrow and that my daughter has ballet after class, remembering a specific folder for a conference call in the morning, and so on – but many, if not most, are not vital. For example, it’s not vital for me to remember that I need to change the wreath on my front door from summer to autumn, but at 3:30 in the morning, the thought sticks in my brain and I fear I may not remember it in the morning. God forbid. I mean seriously, the neighbors aren’t going to petition to have me removed from the community because of this. And yet, the wheels turn, and turn, and turn.
I usually have a pad of paper in the bathroom for emergencies like this, but it ran out about a month ago and I have yet to replace it (another thing to remember). This usually helps in these moments when reason lapses and I spiral into, “What else do I have to do? What else do I have to do?”
I think what lies beneath all of this is that these mostly useless thoughts are an attempt to gain some sense of order or control over life when I am overwhelmed. I clearly am right now. Work is manic, and we’ve said goodbye to the at-least-slightly-calmer summer days and are back to being – as a fellow mom says – on the hamster wheel.
So, here I sit, trying to wrestle control in an uncontrollable world. The saving grace of having gotten up is now clear. I am better able to recognize what of these must-do things is actually important: fall decorations are clearly not. I did, indeed, pay my kids’ tuition (go, mom!). And, I’ve managed to have a moment to myself, in a quiet house, before the next round of madness begins. It’s only too bad that I will be ready to go back to bed by 3 p.m. this afternoon. But then, perhaps, sleep will come easier tonight.
